Is the desire to control aspects of our lives ruining our felt experience?
The Legend of Kind Cnut describes how he placed a throne in front of the sea and commanded the tide to stop rising, and is quoted to have said by Henry Huntingdon, a historian recording 2 centuries later, "You are subject to me, as the land on which I am sitting is mine, and no one has resisted my overlordship with impunity. I command you, therefore, not to rise on to my land, nor to presume to wet the clothing or limbs of your master.". Sadly for Cnut the tide continued to rise and he was forced to retreat and admit his folly.
While from the luxury of our scientifically grounded 21st Century, this may seem jolly silly and a good opportunity to poke fun at the audacity and pride of a privileged class or the seeming ignorance of our ancestors, but there is something for us all to reflect on here.
There is an undeniable human tendency to seek to control the circumstances and environment of our lives. We seek to shape the environment to maximise our safety, our success and our comfort and as a species we have done a pretty good job with regards to this endeavour with statistical life expectancy and living standards vastly improved by practically any recognised measure.
There is nothing wrong with a healthy interest in influencing your environment to maximise your potential experience and to make the best environment for those you care about. But our desire to control our environment, the people within it and our own behaviours can cross the boundary of helpful and become a hinderance to our felt experience, impacting our wellbeing and those we come into contact with.
Whilst not exclusively rooted in this domain of seeking control, anger, anxiety and compulsive behaviours have a strong association with a desire for control that is taking over our lives rather than supporting our wellbeing.
Bring the character of the kindly and curious detective to your life and watch your emotional states, particularly the emotions which are unpleasant. What needs are you trying to meet when these states arise? Are you setting unrealistic expectations with regards to your standards or the standards you expect of others? Are you trying to keep someone safe? Are you trying to stop yourself feeling scared? How likely are the scenarios you are seeking to prevent actually happening?
Having done this exercise in curiosity, now try and see what happens if you simply sit with the feelings of anger, anxiety or compulsion. What is there to notice? What is the felt quality of the emotion if you remove labels and interpretation? What if you focus on the sensations without seeking to solve any problem?
Keep repeating this process. The curious detective should become a healthy lifestyle habit, like doing exercise or cleaning your teeth. Routinely, but kindly, auditing our mental patterns can help us to better felt experience and is likely to help our relationships with others.
Give this a go and please let me know how you get on. And if you would like to talk about your experience with any of the above please do contact me.
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