This is a profound challenge in our life journey and something that almost all of us will encounter. It is a testing time for all those impacted as we shift in our personal roles and deal with our own relationship with age and mortality. Having spent almost 5 years working closely with client’s and their families negotiating last chapters of their life it is something I reflect on regularly and seek to help people with the emotional side of this difficult journey.
This following dialogue is an anonymised summary based on a recent written exchange I had with a client looking for support engaging more effectively with their aging parent. It is typical of the questions, concerns and challenges I find people wrestling with.
Your personal circumstances will of course vary but the principles and mental and emotional hurdles are pretty universal in my practical experience and I hope the below is helpful in considering your own experience.
Mandy’s Story: “I'm going up to see my mum soon so it will be good to be 'armed' with helpful strategies as I'm ashamed to say I haven't always dealt with things in the best way over the last few months. My sibling lives near her and we've talked about how to help her but my sibling has stopped communicating with me about it - not quite sure what's going on there but we'll probably talk more when I'm up.
I'll try and keep things brief! Looking back, things have probably been deteriorating slowly since we lost my Dad over a decade ago now. Fundamentally, I think she's lonely. She has some friends who have come back into her life since Dad died but, sadly, one of them died recently and another only seems to annoy her! She's recently decided that she's only going to see them once a fortnight rather than weekly because it's too much for her. She plays bowls once a week over the winter and has been involved with the committee but generally she spends her days watching TV. The pandemic hit her really hard, and she feels very angry about how it was managed, how elderly people have been and are being treated and life in general.
I've spoken to my GP about what help is out there and she said she needs 'social prescribing' which would start with someone phoning to discuss the issues and what might help, like 'knit and natter' groups. We haven't felt able to discuss this with Mum yet. She has rejected any suggestions over the years which might raise her mood and always finds a reason not to pursue things (e.g. she can't move well, she can't hear well, she can't hear people on the phone); she doesn't positively regard psychological treatment and is of the generation where people just got on with things! She has chronic pain and now uses a mobility scooter to get around as she can't be on her feet for long. She has had arthritis for many years and she had a hip replacement which didn't work. I tried to introduce her to mindfulness to help her mood and pain management but she wasn't interested and continues to pursue medical treatment for her pain - she's currently looking at an operation privately but I'm not sure there's much of an evidence base for it.
We also think she has a shopping addiction. She got into crafting years ago and we used to laugh that she could open a shop with how much stuff she had but it has been getting out of hand for many years. Every time I go up, she is asking me to move things out of cupboards in other rooms so she can create more space for her craft things. She gets sucked into the hard sell of the shopping channel because she knows if she doesn't order it there and then it will be out of stock the next day. She gets a kick from the ordering but when it arrives in the post, she can't even remember what she'd ordered and after she opens it, she tosses it aside. Because of her pain issues, she isn't actually able to craft for more than about 15-30 mins and she struggles with the motivation to do it, but she continues to watch the crafting TV programmes and receive the emails. She has openly said to me 'it's an addiction', that the amount of money she's spent is obscene and that she is ashamed, and she says she is now buying less. I'm not sure we can do anything about any of it…
So much for keeping it brief!”
My Reply: There is definitely a lot to discuss here and I hope to offer some perspectives which might help.
1. Loneliness & Engagement Loneliness is highly likely and a very significant impact on our overall sense of wellbeing. The best solution I have found (which is far from easy) is helping your mum find a sense of purpose once again. The ability to offer support to others is critical to our sense of wellbeing and purpose. “Caring” for your father would likely have filled a large part of this element for her and with his absence she is likely to feel adrift. An opportunity to give back is very valuable in terms of our experience.
The arts and crafts is a good idea in principle but the challenge is her inability to possibly complete a project, and perhaps more importantly, have anyone to appreciate any completed work – creating something is enough for some people, but most of us need our creations to be acknowledged in some way. Think of your social media posts, it always means more when people leave nice comments and show we have connected to them. If she was able to share it/ sell for charities/ send to family that would help give purpose to the process.
2. Social Prescribing Definitely a good idea but as you suspect, your mum may reject this. The more connected we feel to others the more contented and safe we feel, we need connections to be healthy. The challenges of age can work against our ability to connect. We may not be so open minded to new ideas, our hearing and mobility may be restrictive. We may be in chronic pain which makes us want to avoid people. It is completely understandable that you mum doesn’t want to engage with others, there is also a fear of rejection, being judged and all that good stuff we carry since childhood.
3. Family Dynamics I see plenty of families fall out over the care of parents. You all want what is best, but your ideas of what is best are likely to differ and this can cause friction in a family relationship which is ultimately normally and still echoing of childhood, adolescent and adult competition between siblings. Your sibling may also feel “put upon” as they are closer, and feels they have to take more of the burden for your mum as you are further away. It may also be that your sibling simply finds it too emotionally challenging to face the concept that your mum is getting older and the prospect of losing the other parent.
4. Taking Advice It is also important to recognise that our parents can find it very difficult to accept advice from us, in the same way we may have been reluctant to acknowledge their advice when we were growing up. Consider when you last sought advice from your parents? This can be seen as a great wounding to the ego and when life is getting harder and harder by the day, seeing the role reversal with your children can be an additional, uncomfortable step. You can be presenting good ideas but that coming from you will be rejected whereas from a respected authority figure (I.e. a GP, or any other professional adviser) they may be accepted immediately.
5. Behavioural Addictions This could be “simply”, a means to feel momentary rushes of positivity, a manner to release endorphins. It all comes back to wanting to feel good about yourself and we all like a bit of retail therapy. The more purpose we can find in life the less likely we are to conduct destructive patterns of behaviour for a quick fix. Addiction is complicated but stems from the need to change the way we feel about ourselves in the moment.
6. Asking What Is Most Important The hardest conversation to have can be around accepting that there are some serious limitations in life now but what are the most important elements for your mum to seek to retain and what are the things that, if able to be returned, could offer the most value? Actually asking your parent what they want in their life rather than seeking to offer our own solutions (which are invariably declined – think of the bored child you try and give suggestions to!). This can be very difficult to approach for both parties but if you can tackle this it will give you a much better base to build from.
Final Thoughts The hardest thing to reflect on is that, in spite of all the good ideas and honest intention, you may not be able to help your mum as you wish to, and you need to reconcile that with yourself and forgive yourself for that as well as you can. Facing the mortality of our parents is a stark reflection of our own mortality and I see people fighting it tooth and claw to the detriment of their wellbeing and the relationship with the wider family.
The advice that is most heartfelt is to find ways to get as much quality of experience with your mum for as long as you can. This may involve allowing her to make decisions which aren’t ideal in the same manner your parents would likely have accepted (albeit reluctantly) some of your lifestyle choices as a teen and young adult. So whilst navigating this genuinely challenging and likely painful time, pay as much attention to finding happiness, pleasure and joy in the interactions you have with your mum and make sure she knows how grateful you are for her.
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