Forgiveness

We often overlook the obviousness that the things we find most difficult to integrate into our lives are the things that sit at the essence of our religious doctrines and our laws. We don’t need to tell ourselves to eat and drink regularly, we need to remind ourselves to eat and drink responsibly. Also we don’t need to tell ourselves to seek happiness (although we can find this difficult within the circumstances of our lives), we need to stress that the negativity of our mental patterns is something we can and should get a better handle on…

This short musing will explore the significance of forgiveness in our lives, what it actually means, the significance of it to our mental wellbeing, why it can be so challenging to embody and how we might become better at it.

What is forgiveness?

I find it beneficial to define the thing we are looking to explore. What forgiveness is might feel obvious, but we are not always completely clear on what we really mean by a term (as words are often poor substitute for our true experience of life). It is also highly likely that our personal ideas will differ in small or large manner from another’s.

The cambridge dictionary defines forgiveness as, “to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done, or not punish them for something”. Berkley University describes the psychological interpretation as, “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”

Turning to biblical ideas of forgiveness, this is a central concept of the Christian tradition. ‘Forgive them for they know not what they do’ is one of the most easily recognisable lines from the Gospels. We find that the origin of forgiveness is attached to the notion of sin and it is significant to note the root of the word sin is not, ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, but to miss ones aim or to miss the mark.

Why do we need forgiveness?

One aspect of the significance of forgiveness is the prevention of a never-ending cycle of retaliation which if left unchecked will lead to violence and perhaps ultimately the extinction of all parties involved.  We see this play out in our communities and cultures as well as in our individual lives.  Sectarian violence is a string of retaliations with each side being unwilling or unable to step back. Where a solution can be found it is inherently rooted in the spirit of forgiveness and the ‘conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of…vengence…’

A saying attributed to Nelson Mandela, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies” highlights the bitter consequence of an inability to forgive. In our personal lives, when we are unable to forgive something, no matter how justified we may feel in our resentment, then we are always poisoning ourselves. We continue to carry the pain, the bitterness and the inability to move forwards in other areas of our lives as a consequence. This can have catastrophic consequences on the felt quality of our lives and the lives of those closest to us. Forgiveness is not about letting another person ‘off the hook’ so to speak, it is about releasing ourselves from the destructive internal energies that resentment and vengeance bring about it us.

Forgiveness of self

This is the true and most powerful meaning of forgiveness so far as I can tell. If we cannot let go of our own sense of insufficiency and the often imagined, though sometimes real transgressions against others, then we truly fail ourselves and others.

There are links back to the origin of the word sin, and the missing of ones aim. If we don’t forgive ourselves then we fail to better align our aim which impacts our ability to grow and transform. If we cannot get over our past inadequacies then we will not become better versions of ourselves with all that invites for our own experience and the experience of those we care most about.

How can we be better at it?

Hopefully the simple yet profound recognition of the consequences of non forgiveness helps us to start to correct this pattern of behaviour. Equally, the act of paying attention to the idea of forgiveness as opposed to ideas of resentment will ensure that we move in the right direction. What we pay attention to governs the experience we have so this is crucially important. Regardless of what else we may think about certain religions and practices, they recognise that we can’t just be told something once and have it embodied into our lives, we need regular repetition of ideas to make them stick with us.

Mindfulness practice can also help, especially the practice of Metta or loving kindness, which is a deliberate tool we can apply to help practice our skill of forgiveness.

Like all aspects of our experience, forgiveness is a skill and we can start with small acts of forgiveness and practice, slowly increasing our ability and stability of the skill over time.

Image credit. Vika_Glitter, Pixabay