Death is something most of us don’t like to think about and it is seldom a preferred topic of conversation in either polite or impolite circles. But I am going to propose some reasons I hope you might find compelling enough to reconsider this position and you might find it opens a fresh and surprisingly positive perspective.
In approaching this I will invite us to consider why death is such a taboo subject for most of us, the practical implications of not talking about it, regret, the root of anxiety and death in the context of transformation.
I hope you will join me on this journey into the under appreciated dimensions of death.
Why do we avoid it?
It might seem obvious at first mention, but it is worth actually considering the reasons this topic is one we can’t or won’t approach.
One of the key perspectives I invite us to consider is simply that our current societal environment doesn’t promote these discussions. It is not a part of our culture and so we don’t even consider that we could talk about it, let alone should talk about it. Different times and different cultures have, and do, take very different attitudes to this topic, so that we don’t doesn’t mean that we can’t or shouldn’t. I support the social constructionists on this one.
We also have many structural processes in place to keep most of us away from the dead and dying in the guise of hospitals, care homes and mortuaries. Long gone are the days here when our dead would be held in the home until burial. It is not in our faces physically so we can more easily put it out of our minds mentally (but more on this point when we come to anxiety…).
Of course, it is also undeniable that the experience of death and dying is far from pleasant. Losing a loved one is one of the hardest and most tragic experiences we can go through and the process of getting old is also not as golden and glowing as the care home brochures would like you to believe.
These are not topics we would want to face if we didn’t absolutely have to but they are inherently part of our human experience so face them we must and we bury our heads to them at our peril.
Practical reasons to talk about it
Looking at it purely logically, death is something we will all meet at some point in our lives. We will all need to manage the practical aspects of someones death, the planning of funerals, obtaining death certificates, settling the estate. These are things that we certainly don’t rehearse and even if you remove the immediacy of our grief, they present significant challenges in their execution. There is also the consideration that a loved one, or we ourselves will become unable to manage our affairs through illness or infirmity, and if we haven’t arranged a living power of attorney then it can add a huge complication for our loved ones as they try to support us.
Helping people understand our wishes when we get too ill to manage or pass can help significantly to alleviate the practical aspects of managing the process. It also helps reduce conflict within family members as they all struggle to do what they think is right for someone and can often be at odds with others' ideas of what is best. This does little to help the grief but at least it isn’t compounding the misery and suffering with a myriad of bureaucratic hurdles and obstacles.
Ghost stories…
Ghost stories have been part of our culture since we have written record, and the narrative of the ghost story is often one of regret and things left undone. In my own personal experience working with people in later life and watching the interactions with the families concerned this rings true. The things we regret most are the things we left unsaid, the arguments that we couldn’t resolve, the love for each other we failed to express. These omissions leave us feeling lost and wandering in the world without the possibility of resolution once it is too late. We become like ghosts in the stories, lamenting the lost opportunity of our lives to put things right that we might have done.
When we acknowledge the presence of death and the uncertainty of our time here we can focus our resolve to putting as much right with our loved ones as we can. Of course this is not easy, but putting off the inevitable in the hope that somehow we will find time eventually is a gamble we might regret making.
The root of anxiety
In the book, ‘Alone With Others’ Stephen Batchelor explores the concept that death anxiety is the root of all anxiety that we suffer. If you follow the moment to moment anxiety that you are experiencing to its source, you will uncover that this is likely to be true. What we fear most, and therefore is the root of our anxiety, is the fear of being alone, and dying… As with all experiences of anxiety, trying not to think about it simply makes it worse.
Bringing the concept of death into our lives deliberately and even meditating on the experience can help us to reduce our experience of anxiety in the moment and allows us to see the layers of anxiety for what they are, a desperate attempt by the mind to avert the inevitable demise that we all ultimately face. If we can find our peace with this experience, then we can free ourselves from much of our wrestling with the process of anxiety.
New life and the process of transformation
From a psychological and symbolic perspective death represents the opportunity for rebirth and this is one of the messages within the story of the crucifixion in Christian tradition and is part of the symbolic cycle of the death and rebirth of the sun at the winter solstice. In order to make changes in our lives we have to let some part of us ‘die’ in order that something else can be reborn in its place. We have to sacrifice the cake to help us lose weight, and we have to sacrifice behaviours that are not working to improve our relationships.
If we seek to deny death, we fundamentally limit our ability to change and to transform. We become stagnant, clinging to a perceived state of ‘enoughness’, desperately hoping that we won’t lose what we have, and this limits us and feeds our anxieties. By embracing the impermanence of life, we can find the beauty of the immediate moments that we are in, we can find more vibrancy in the mundane aspects of our lives and bring more gratitude to the experience we have. This also allows us to consider more appropriately the things we might look to change in order that we can realise the best possible experience for ourselves and those who mean the most to us.
Conclusion
Hopefully, this has invited you to reconsider attitudes to death from a practical as well as a psychological and symbolic perspective. Perhaps we will find less tragic ghost stories in our own lives and find a better balance with our experience of anxiety. We might be more prepared to make changes, find the immediacy of the moment more compelling and be able to experience more joy and gratitude in the simpler moments of our lives.
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