It is fair to say that Christmas can bring different and competing emotions for many of us, whether you consider yourself a practicing Christian or whether you enjoy the festivities of the season from a more secular or even a cross religious standpoint. The season can be a period of excitement, joy, expectation, and connection with others, but equally can bring an experience of loss, loneliness, frustration, and worry.
Christmas, can be complicated…
For the purposes of this reflection, I will consider some of the modern ghost’s of our Christmas present, and touch on families, absent loved ones, perfectionism, financial pressures, and the bleak midwinter, before considering how we can make subtle adjustments to our expectations which might afford us an easier and more appreciative navigation of the season.
Families
Families are more complicated than even Christmas itself. They have seen the best and the very worst of us. They are part of our model of the world and laced into the nostalgic trip that is Christmas, we might find all sorts of memories stirred within us. Some will be welcomed, and some we would rather be without. Reunion with families is often bittersweet as we are reminded of the march of time alongside the felt elements of the relationship which can feel immutable. Challenging relationships can be exacerbated and as we fall in love with Christmas movies which focus on the spirit of reunion, we wish our lives could be more like their fiction.
Perfectionism
Sometimes caused by our unreliable and nostalgic memories, more often driven by our childhood experiences with our parents and siblings, is a desire for, or a pressure to attain, a ‘perfect’ Christmas. We feel that it must be a time for joy and togetherness, with just the right level of hospitality, food, and gift giving. Compounding all of this is the sense that it is important to capture all of these magically perfect moments whether it is for the immediate posting to social media profiles, or for the creation of the next generation of nostalgia. This combination of factors can bring an unwelcome level of pressure to our experience which can suck the colour from our experience if we lose sight of it.
Lost loved ones
Celebrations and annual rituals offer an important grounding experience for us along with hope and excitement, but can equally be a hard reminder of who is not with us anymore. This is challenging, whether through, bereavement, the ending of a relationship, or the sense of loss regarding relationships we never had but always wish we had been so. Sometimes we find ourselves unable to find our way beyond the sense of loss and to see much good in the experience of the season.
Financial burden
What is Christmas without a crippling credit card bill in January to show for it? Surrounded by marketing tantalising us with an artist's creative vision of perfect Christmas’ and the pressure for our loved ones, children, and grandchildren to have the perfect gift and enough gifts so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends, it is no wonder we feel pressure and overwhelm. That is even without the recent rises in cost of living making food and energy more expensive for everyone and leaving far too many making choices between the two. This often leads many, especially parents, to feel anxiety as the season of good will approaches.
The bleak midwinter
Personally, I find the sparkly lights of the season to be wonderful and a welcome contrast to the rapid approach of the shortest day. However, it is undeniable the weather at this time of year is less kind, and the cold and lack of light can significantly impact our sense of wellbeing. Coupled with the emergence of the season of rampant viruses we are faced with an unwelcome cocktail which holds onto us for at least the first two months of the New Year before Spring can be said to be approaching. It might be a Christmas classic, but the bleak midwinter can be an difficult reality for many.
Holding space gently and being mindful
So, with the challenging stuff touched on (each of us might find of other difficulties as well as joys to the season specific to us), what can we do to reduce the negative experiences of the season and relish more in the positives?
Acknowledgment of the fact that it is not all silver bells (Sorry, another Christmas song…) and that the season does evoke a complex range of thoughts and feelings, can in itself, be enough to release us from some of the pressure of expectation. If we can remind ourselves that it is not what is happening that defines our experience, but the thoughts and feelings we associate, then we might be able to change the narrative of our mind. Recognition of the nature of our thoughts as there to try and protect us, no matter how misguided they might be, along with our propensity to put more credence to negativity, affords us the opportunity to step back and out of the spell of such mechanisms.
Being mindful of the feelings associated with complicated relationships can also be beneficial and we might learn from the stories of the season that we are able to change old patterns and heal relationships that are important to us. This of course takes terrific courage and the willingness to be vulnerable as well as a counterpart who is willing to take some steps on the same path. But if we acknowledge the underlying symbolism of the season, that of the dying of the old and the birth of new hope out of the darkness, then perhaps we can bring that archetype into our lives for a spell and see what happens.
Loss and grief are things we cannot rush, and they play out on their own in their own time. What we can afford ourselves is the compassion to feel the way we do and not to try and fight against the moment to moment experience of our sense of loss. This lifting of the pressure of expectation can be enough to lessen the burden slightly and might afford us more of the moments of joy that we find and lessen our sense of guilt at feeling them.
Perfectionism and financial pressure are often unkind bed fellows. Although it is not easy to navigate the pressure of wide eye children desperate for the latest whatever, we might focus our attention on the things that truly are important to us and those we care most about. Once again, stepping back and noticing the pressure we apply to ourselves can allow us to relieve some of the mental pressure of the moment, in order that we can savour more positive elements.
And how to we navigate the bleak mid winter? The mindful philosophy that, ‘this too shall pass’ affords us relief from the misguided sense that where and when we are now will be forever. This is as true for the good things in life as it is for the challenges. If we are mindful of this, we can bring more gratitude and a savouring of the moment to the good and hold the challenges with equanimity rather than trying to push them away.
In essence this comes down to holding space gently for all the season has to offer, understanding that positive and negative experiences are a part of our lives and if we only had positive experiences we would not appreciate them as positive. Our lives are experienced by contrast and when we are mindful of this and stop fighting to make things perfect, then the openness of the moment we are actually in can be realised.
If you would like to join us to explore this further, we will be meeting for the final time this year on Thursday 5th December at 6pm at Retrocave on Ashley Road in Poole. We will then meet again on Thursday 2nd January.
Best wishes for the season to you all.
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